Now this is what "Coupled Up" is all about. Allow me to introduce you to married Atlanta couple Derrick & Kurtis, our newest addition to our popular series profiling same gender loving couples of color.
The pair met online over a year and a half ago and what began as an exercise to pass the time quickly blossomed into a life long commitment.
"We conversed for almost 3 months just online, checking on each other, seeing about each other’s days", Derrick tells loldarian.com.
"At the point when we finally exchanged numbers (because we were killing our poor fingers), our conversations were so smooth because we had gained such a connection with one another. It went from early morning 'day starter' calls to falling asleep on the phone together", Derrick adds.
Derrick & Kurtis reflects on the first time they met not knowing they're future together:
Kurtis: I had no Idea! However, we were living in the moment and just working on our friendship. The most important part of venturing into a solid relationship is establishing a friendship.
Derrick: I was honestly unsure about a life partner at the time. But that had nothing to do with him. In this lifestyle, we come across so many disingenuous people with bad intentions that we build this wall to protect ourselves from emotional hurt and danger. Anytime you are meeting someone in this city (Atlanta), you always have the ‘this could be a set up’ thought in your mind. I will say that I was immediately coo coo for Coco Puffs! I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this is someone I wanted to get to know.
Derrick & Kurtis on potential conflict regarding their age difference:
Kurtis: First and foremost age is only a number, we are so evenly yoked that we never had to deal with conflict. We are represented by the ying yang. We are one in the same and our motto is YDIFM which stands for YOU DO IT FOR ME.
Derrick: For me age has never been a conflict in our relationship. I have always been an "old soul" and only can relate to people older than me; hence my attraction falls right into that category. As a child I was forced to grow up real fast. We are so equally yoked that it surprises us sometimes. But then we just blame it on the fact that we were truly made for each other.
Derrick & Kurtis on coming out individually & as a couple & the reaction of family & friends:
Kurtis: For me talking to my younger brother was simply easy. We were raised not to judge! My brother is straight. However, my mother due to her beliefs really doesn’t like talking about it. She just loves me for me and accepts whomever I love. As long as I am happy.
Derrick: I have always been honest with my family. I made the decision at the age 16 to come out to my mother. She is an evangelist so that didn’t’ sit too well with her. However, through the years, although she has her views, she loves me so much and always shows it. I decided to tell her that Kurtis and I were getting married on Mother’s Day, during my visit to Detroit. She already knew because my sister was coming and she stressed to my mother that ‘SHE HAD TO BE IN ATL’ during that time.
Although she will always have her beliefs, she loves and appreciates Kurtis for loving me and being the person that makes me happy. She strategically came to visit a week before the wedding to give her ‘unofficial’ blessing (at least that’s how I took it). It makes me smile when they are calling and texting each other!
Kurtis on the pervasive myth that committed relationships in the black gay community don't exist & if they do one partner has to be of another race:
It's not a myth in my opinion. Why? Because men are men, most men have fidelity issues even when they have everything they ever wanted in a relationship. There are far too many distractions among gay men who otherwise would be devoted to establishing a relationship. Distractions such as the many hook- up websites like Adam4Adam, BGC, and M4N. Fantasies like hooking up with the physicality of a person instead of taking the time to get to know the person you are sleeping with.
I know we have many young gay brothers and sisters that have been scarred by their past. However, we can no longer allow our past to direct our future. In other words, take control of your life and stop allowing yourself to be a doormat for others, just so you have a place of belonging. Stop looking in the cracks and crevices to find a man or woman. Work on yourself, and when you least expect it, God will bless you with someone.
We as gay men and women need to learn how to give what we desire in return out of a relationship. Before you can love anyone you must love yourself. But God’s love is the greatest love we can ever experience.
A stable relationship whether heterosexual, gay, or even a friendship should be based on communication, loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness, dedication, commitment, and love. Every relationship requires work regardless of race or age.
Here are some words of wisdom:
1. Inspect what you expect.
2. Learn to date and expect nothing except for what is presented to you.
3. Look and Listen! A person will always give you signs if you simply look and listen.
4. Stop looking from the outside of a person and look within first.
5. Ask when you don’t know something, never assume!
6. Wait! Take at least 3 to 4 months to get to know a person before you allow your situation to become physical.
7. Get tested! In today’s society you have to be careful and know what you are getting yourself into.
As for Derrick and I, we are committed, dedicated, honest, trustworthy, and loyal to one another. We communicate on every level and we never go to bed upset or angry with one another. I can say that every relationship we both were ever in prepared us for our destiny with one another.
Derrick & Kurtis on marriage & who proposed:
Kurtis: It was my idea to get married and we were actually sitting in the parking lot of Wal-Mart talking when I asked him! He looked at me in amazement and said yes. I gave him an emerald and diamond ring that I wore on my pinky finger. Then some weeks later Derrick asked me again, this time with a ring he had just bought and from that moment we began truly planning our future.
Derrick: It started off as a joke! We were sitting around the house and talking about the future and Kurtis said “…and you need to start making the calls, ‘because we getting married in ’09!” SUUUUUURE! LOL! The he really did ask me. I was shocked but excited. It was definitely a dream come true.
Derrick & Kurtis on the trip down the aisle:
Kurtis: On June 11, 2009 we boarded a plane headed to Boston, MA. When we arrived we headed straight for City Hall, got the paperwork, filled it out and turned it back in. We then had to go upstairs to schedule the ceremony. The process takes 3 days. June 15th, 2009 we were officially married in the state of Massachusetts.
Derrick:
Yes. “I’z married now” is the first thing I texted to all my friends when we got back from Boston. It was actually a great experience. Because it takes 3 business days to complete the marriage process, we drove to New York (Kurtis’ hometown) to have a pre-honeymoon! I had never been to New York before. We went back to Boston and had our ceremony. It was so intimate and real. It's something I will never forget!
Derrick & Kurtis on how it feels not to have their marriage recognized by the State of Georgia:
Kurtis: It is recognized where it matters most, which is in our hearts and in the eyes of God. What I recommend is that couples do in that manner is ensure that every document centering their lives is changed to recognized their husband or wife.
Derrick: Being recognized by the state is no concern of ours. However, because we are smart, educated men, we know there are legal actions we can and will be taking in the near future to ensure we have safeguarded each other.
Derrick & Kurtis on the role religion/spirituality plays in their relationship:
Kurtis: We give thanks to God first in all that we do. It is very important to have an individual relationship with God as well as a family. Before our nuptials we went through spiritual counseling with our Pastor.
Derrick: Kurtis and I both have strong individual relationships with God. Because of that, we have a solid foundation to stand on. The greatest contribution that religion has played in our relationship is the fact that we BOTH believe that God made both of us for each other.
Derrick & Kurtis on plans to start a family:
Kurtis: We both have children and don’t plan on adding anymore to the equation. I have two children, both sons 20 and 15 and Derrick has a son 11.
Derrick: HA! (Please pardon my French), HELL NAW! LOL! We have enough kids! With Kurtis’ two biological sons, my 11-year old son, our 10 gay kids, and 2 dogs, I think we got the family thing on lock! I’m getting fixed!
Many thanks to Derrick & Kurtis for sharing their union with us.
In Case You Missed It:
Coupled Up: Brittany & Ty'Teana
Coupled Up: Christopher & Shelton
Coupled Up: Lee & Brandon
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